The most recent question I've been getting has been "How do you feel about graduation? Scared? Excited?" The first ten times or so someone asked me that, I had to stop and think because I honestly didn't know. I don't know what to feel. It was pretty much the same when I graduated high school: I wasn't particularly excited or depressed, it was just something that was happening. But this time I'm actually leaving behind friends I have grown to love and, probably the most bizarre thing of all, I'm not coming back to school.
I've been in school since I was 5. (Earlier, if you count preschool.) I'm 21 now, and I know almost nothing outside of school. I can't quite wrap my head around the fact that when August rolls around, I won't be packing up and coming back to Samford. One of my friends and I were talking about this, and we decided that graduation wouldn't really sink in until that time came and went and we're still working at whatever "big girl" jobs we've managed to get. Graduation is aptly named commencement - I will be commencing an entirely new part of life.
Newness and change bring uncertainty. I think it's that uncertainty that causes people to be afraid; I certainly don't care for it. One of my acquaintances asked me yesterday what the next couple weeks - my last couple weeks - looked like for me. I told him I'd basically be doing what I'd been doing, plus some studying. He smiled and offered his interpretation of "what I've been doing": "Living in fear and panic?" I was stunned he would say that, but I guess it's what people expect. I told him, "No. I'm not afraid. There's a lot of uncertainty, yeah, but I'm not afraid." He seemed to ponder that for the brief remaining moments before we parted ways. I hope he remembers it.
When I shared the experience with my friend over dinner, she said after some thought that it was a blessing to not be afraid. It is a blessing, but why should any of us be afraid? We don't know what's coming next, in most cases. We don't know whether it's bad (causing fear) or awesome (causing excitement). I think most of us are just nervous we're going to screw something up. We won't get a job, we'll be crippled by student loans, the economy will plummet again, we won't be able to keep up with bills and rent, and we make all the wrong choices. That would definitely suck, but there's no way to know that's going to happen. Thousands of college grads have gone through this already, and they've made it through somehow. That tells me a couple things: 1) it's not all bad, 2) there will be people who understand and will help, 3) you can always move on from mistakes. I've got a very black and white mentality (either this was done right or wrong), so that last lesson is particularly important for me.
One of the other emotions people ask if I have about commencement is sadness. Again, the whole situation hasn't really sunk in yet; it still feels like I'm going to come back after the summer and see everyone again. However, this is the one emotion that I have enough information to accept. I may not know enough about my future to be afraid, but it's starting to hit home that I'm leaving people behind, people I'll probably see again, but never again like when I was at school. My school friends will either stay in Birmingham or go back to their various states, wherever they live, and I'll probably only see them through Skype, which doesn't even come close to cutting it for me. (Better than nothing, though.) My dojo friends I'll definitely see again, because there'll always be some workshop or seminar to go to; it'll just be weird to know that I'm not leaving them for just a summer.
If I weren't so wary of taking steps in the dark, I'd probably be really excited about graduation/commencement. Unformed possibilities, the potential to do great things for God and for others, plus the sheer amount of new opportunities... Those are all things to be excited about, and when I'm calm, I am a little excited (paradox?). But then that whole I-don't-know-what-I'm-doing-or-where-I'm-walking thing comes up again.
To answer the question of how I feel about graduation, I feel anticipatory, sad that I'm leaving dear friends behind, somewhat excited about the newness of what's coming, and, above all, unafraid.
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