Memorial Day

I don't have any ornate words with which to commemorate the fallen soldiers and those who continue to serve. All I have are two poems and an exhortation to remember those who've sacrificed everything for your many freedoms. That's all I can say, really: remember.


"The Unknown Soldier"
by Roger J. Robicheau

You need not ever know my name
This unknown soldier seeks no fame

I'm here to bring out thought from you
May your heart see more than your view

America, we marched with pride
We gave our life, for you we died

How well we knew the time might come
When life could sound that final drum

Please think of us as life moves on
We tried so hard till that last dawn

Do let our spirit fill the land
Pass treasured freedom, hand to hand

God blessed this country with such love
Hold in your heart, abundance of

And when you stand before my grave
Think not of one, but each who gave

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"We Must Remember"
by Rev. Connie Gibbs

We pause on this Memorial Day, a brief moment in time,
To bring close to our hearts those memories we hold so dear
Of the men and women before us who unselfishly put their dreams, their lives on the line.
Where danger lay as a stalker,
waiting to take away each breath, while the soldier
plowed with determination the furrows of death.

We must remember, we must, you and I,
those special heroes who chose to fly,
to fly the skies of blue that turned as dark as the midnight sky,
Their wings began to shudder as smoke choked their breath away,
And hope gave way to the resignation, "Today, I'm going to die."
Treading the waters so deep and wide,
Men and women continued on their mission,
For God and country, their hearts would abide.
Surprised by attacks with brutal disregard for human life,
they fought to the end, knowing that life and limb would be lost,
whether of self or friend.

Yes by land, by sea, and in the skies,
they fought for our land,
they fought for freedom so that you and I might stand,
Stand for what is right, for what is good and true,
fight that we might say without fear, "God loves you."

Yes, we must remember, for freedom is not cheap,
for lives and limbs were lost so that we might keep,
All the things that we can have and all the things we can do,
Like cars and boats and a house with a roof,
Like going to church without fear,
and reading the Bible where we find the truth,
The truth of knowing that whether we are red, yellow, black,
or white,
We are all God's children and we need to learn to love one another as God first loved us.
For if there is to be peace on earth,
where all men and women are free,
it must begin with each and all of us,
let it begin with you and me.

Bonus Post

I wanted to make a separate post for this update, aside from the one that will come on Monday. See, we put my dog down on Thursday, and I don't want to leave that be without getting some thoughts out there, but talking about death in a general update doesn't sit well with me. (That being said, this will indeed be a post about my dog's death. And, as usual, you don't have to read it if you don't want to; I'm just voicing my thoughts on what happened.)

First off, I'm fine. She had a long life, she was sick and in pain and almost completely blind. She probably would have died soon on her own, but we did her a mercy by bringing her in so that she wouldn't have to die in pain. While losing her did make me sad for a time, the experience of her death is what impacted me the most. Digging the little grave in the backyard, sitting with her and my mom as we wait for the vet, the unnatural - yet perfectly natural - stillness, shoveling dirt back into the hole, dumping out food and water... It's almost surreal.

The whole thing was very somber for me. The digging was almost entirely in silence, except to ask if it was big enough. Digging a hole, by the way, is hard work - something I appreciated as a way to focus without thinking. But I couldn't really get away from the knowledge that my dog, asleep in the garage, would be lying in the finished hole in less than an hour. Such an unusual mindset to be in. Not necessarily negative or even emotive, just unusual. It was a similar experience about an hour later when I lowered the little cardboard coffin into the earth, my mom standing with me. Hearing the dirt hitting the cardboard was a little eerie.

The mindfulness that was present in every little action and movement was only half of this entirely new experience. Dying and death was the other half.

In the weeks and months preceding my dog's death, as her health took serious turns for the worse, I would sometimes look at her and imagine what it would look like if her chest simply stopped rising - if she stopped breathing. Even now, the thought of an animal I've seen alive not breathing brings another thought: "This isn't natural." But it is natural. Circle of life and all that, right? Still, knowing the inevitable does not make the actual event any less bizarre. It feels like breathing things should continue breathing. Maybe that's the original way of things, before the curse of death.

I don't really know how to express the oddity of seeing the life leave something, and the lies eyes tell ("she's just sleeping"). I guess you have to see it. And I can't even imagine what it would be like to experience this with another human instead of a pet or an animal.

I could try to come up with some poignant statements about death and dying, but I'm pretty sure they'd end up being nonsense. So I'll just leave off with this: Death is the weirdest natural phenomenon of them all.

Endings and Commencement

Wow. What a week. I don't really know where to start, so I guess I'll go for my usual approach: rough timeline.

Finals went well. It was kind of crazy, what with grading movie reviews and two class's finals, but luckily none of my finals were very demanding, so I didn't have to spend too much time studying. EXCEPT for my orals. I spent almost every free hour studying for those, right up until the oral exam itself. I'm so glad there were 5 of us to spread the talking load. The goal of the exam is to gauge whether we can converse freely and knowledgeably about the philosophical topics and concepts we've learned. And me? I don't converse well. Especially under pressure. So having other people there to take the bulk of the conversational load until I could relax a little was very welcome. (It went fine overall, by the way. I checked my old senior seminar grade, and it didn't go down, so I guess I made an A!)

The president of Samford, Andy Westmoreland, hosted a reception at his home. His house is EPIC. I don't think I've ever been in a house that big, that nice, that immaculate and people actually live in it. I seriously walked in and thought, "This house could be a museum." It definitely has enough interesting, random side rooms, and I bet there are enough hidden things. He's got a pretty awesome view of campus, too. After the reception was the last Shiloh of the year, just for seniors. (Shiloh, if I haven't mentioned it before, is a campus worship service that I fell in love with back in my freshman year. It's another blessing Samford's provided for me.) It was a small gathering, and the message the speakers gave was much needed.

The breakfast-for-dinner at my friends' apartment was so much fun. We all had things to do the next morning, so we didn't stay very late. And we were pretty busy eating delicious pancakes and bacon and reliving old memories to play music, but that's fine by me. We had a blast. :) (And those pancakes were perfect. Blueberry, chocolate chips, plain, and even some made with Nutella in the batter!!)

Training was pretty awesome, too. We've been working on some things that are really challenging for me, so it's been extra fun. Plus, there's just something special about looking around at the people you've spent so much time with and seeing them for the blessings they are. I guess it's the way things go, that you don't really look at the relationships you've been blessed with until you know things are about to significantly change. Might not be a bad idea for me to take that perspective more often. Anyway, I was so happy to spend another week training with these awesome people. Got to hang out for post-training dinner and beer at On Tap on Monday, too. :)

Commencement was... incredible. Seeing my closest friends in their caps and gowns, my professors in their doctoral regalia, receiving and giving congratulations and nervous/excited smiles while we wait in the halls. Walking in and knowing that everyone in the arena is there for one of the hundreds of students around me, and that some of them are there for me. Walking across that stage, shaking the President Westmoreland's hand, and receiving my "certificate of participation in commencement" (the real diploma comes in the mail soon) - THAT was incredible. And I know the rest of the audience probably tuned out after their student's name was called, but it's a different story for those of us down on the floor. I still had more friends to watch for, to silently cheer for, and to smile for. This was our day.

The speakers encouraged us and the rest of the audience to leave that place and be a force of positive change in the world. No place is the same after you've been there, but I hope I help spark at least one big reaction for the kingdom of God. Paul wrote this to the Corinthians: "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." (1 Cor. 10:31) I'm not certain about the specifics of what I'll be doing, but as long as it's done for the glory of God, I know I'll be doing something worthwhile. That's all I can really ask.

Finals Week

The past week has basically been prepping for finals. Which start today. So not much was going on school-wise that was of any interest - just meeting up to study and spending hours in the darkroom making prints.

Really, the interesting stuff is all happening this week. And since I obviously can't go into details about that, since they haven't happened yet, I'll just give you the hectic rundown of what it is I'll be doing. (If you're not interested, now would be a good time to close the tab or window.)

This past Friday:

1. Pick up movie reviews to grade for the philosophy professor I work for,
2. pick up a gift from the [philosophy] department for graduating and for working with them this semester,
3. meet my pastor to chat,
4. and meet my other philosophy female friend to study.

Today:

1. Present my photography portfolio at 10:30am,
2. finish and return movie reviews,
3. meet same friend for more studying,
4. write last reflection paper for Human Sexuality,
5. training in the evening.

Tuesday:

1. Study with same friend one more time (it's a big test),
2. start studying for Human Sexuality and Sociology of Medicine (maybe?),
3. reception for seniors at the president's house,
4. Shiloh service specially for seniors (really looking forward to this).

Wednesday:

1. GAME TIME. Take oral review section of the philosophy senior seminar. It's 5 graduating (or soon-to-be-graduating) philosophy seniors conversing with the 3 professors about basically every key thing we ever learned. Takes about an hour and a half. I'm not worried about passing, but I do want to do well.
2. Pick up one class's finals from the philosophy professor I work for, and go grade them asap.
3. Study for Human Sexuality and Medical Sociology (for real this time).
4. Pick up cap and gown (oh goodness).
5. Breakfast for dinner with all my sweet girls! Still don't know what I'm gonna bring to this, but we're all supposed to bring some breakfast item. ...Probably fruit. :) I'm so excited about this. I get to see all my friends and have fun and play ukulele while my other friend plays her guitar... It's gonna be awesome!! :D
6. Probably study a little bit more.

Thursday:

1. Human Sexuality final at 8am,
2. Medical Sociology final at 10:30am,
3. pick up that professor's other class's finals and grade THOSE asap (I need money!!),
4. go celebrate on the Quad, perhaps,
5. early dinner with my suitemates at Flat Top Grill (should be quite tasty),
6. training.

Friday:

1. Prayer breakfast in the cafeteria from 7:30-9,
2. start packing!!,
3. Mom comes in late afternoon,
4. dinner somewhere.

Saturday:

1. This is it. Graduation day. Line up is at 9am.
2. 10-12, commencement ceremony.
3. Late lunch with the family afterward.
4. Load up and go home.

And Sunday I guess I'll go to church, unpack a little, maybe cry a little, but mostly praise God that He gave me the opportunity and the means to graduate college with flying colors. It's gonna be a dang busy week, but I can manage it if I act wisely. I'll probably rehash and flesh out the highlights next Monday. (I'll be a college grad this time next week!!)

Millstone or Milestone?

College students get asked a lot of the same questions over and over. What's your major? What do you want to do with that? (In my case, Are you going to teach?) We endure it with as much good humor as we can. After all, we ask the same things of ourselves and each other.

The most recent question I've been getting has been "How do you feel about graduation? Scared? Excited?" The first ten times or so someone asked me that, I had to stop and think because I honestly didn't know. I don't know what to feel. It was pretty much the same when I graduated high school: I wasn't particularly excited or depressed, it was just something that was happening. But this time I'm actually leaving behind friends I have grown to love and, probably the most bizarre thing of all, I'm not coming back to school.

I've been in school since I was 5. (Earlier, if you count preschool.) I'm 21 now, and I know almost nothing outside of school. I can't quite wrap my head around the fact that when August rolls around, I won't be packing up and coming back to Samford. One of my friends and I were talking about this, and we decided that graduation wouldn't really sink in until that time came and went and we're still working at whatever "big girl" jobs we've managed to get. Graduation is aptly named commencement - I will be commencing an entirely new part of life.

Newness and change bring uncertainty. I think it's that uncertainty that causes people to be afraid; I certainly don't care for it. One of my acquaintances asked me yesterday what the next couple weeks - my last couple weeks - looked like for me. I told him I'd basically be doing what I'd been doing, plus some studying. He smiled and offered his interpretation of "what I've been doing": "Living in fear and panic?" I was stunned he would say that, but I guess it's what people expect. I told him, "No. I'm not afraid. There's a lot of uncertainty, yeah, but I'm not afraid." He seemed to ponder that for the brief remaining moments before we parted ways. I hope he remembers it.

When I shared the experience with my friend over dinner, she said after some thought that it was a blessing to not be afraid. It is a blessing, but why should any of us be afraid? We don't know what's coming next, in most cases. We don't know whether it's bad (causing fear) or awesome (causing excitement). I think most of us are just nervous we're going to screw something up. We won't get a job, we'll be crippled by student loans, the economy will plummet again, we won't be able to keep up with bills and rent, and we make all the wrong choices. That would definitely suck, but there's no way to know that's going to happen. Thousands of college grads have gone through this already, and they've made it through somehow. That tells me a couple things: 1) it's not all bad, 2) there will be people who understand and will help, 3) you can always move on from mistakes. I've got a very black and white mentality (either this was done right or wrong), so that last lesson is particularly important for me.

One of the other emotions people ask if I have about commencement is sadness. Again, the whole situation hasn't really sunk in yet; it still feels like I'm going to come back after the summer and see everyone again. However, this is the one emotion that I have enough information to accept. I may not know enough about my future to be afraid, but it's starting to hit home that I'm leaving people behind, people I'll probably see again, but never again like when I was at school. My school friends will either stay in Birmingham or go back to their various states, wherever they live, and I'll probably only see them through Skype, which doesn't even come close to cutting it for me. (Better than nothing, though.) My dojo friends I'll definitely see again, because there'll always be some workshop or seminar to go to; it'll just be weird to know that I'm not leaving them for just a summer.

If I weren't so wary of taking steps in the dark, I'd probably be really excited about graduation/commencement. Unformed possibilities, the potential to do great things for God and for others, plus the sheer amount of new opportunities... Those are all things to be excited about, and when I'm calm, I am a little excited (paradox?). But then that whole I-don't-know-what-I'm-doing-or-where-I'm-walking thing comes up again.

To answer the question of how I feel about graduation, I feel anticipatory, sad that I'm leaving dear friends behind, somewhat excited about the newness of what's coming, and, above all, unafraid.

USA TaiKai 2012

I apologize for the late post. Usually I write these during my morning work shift at the education library, but I actually had to do work, and there wasn't any time elsewhere in the day. I should be back on schedule next week.

This past weekend was the USA TaiKai and Kunoichi Kai in Atlanta. (For you normal folks, it was a gathering of Bujinkan practitioners for a 2.5 day seminar, where instructors taught and we practiced what we saw. The Kunoichi Kai was one day when the women could separate from the men and work on things that are more or less unique to our gender; "kunoichi" is the term for a female ninja.) So, since that's probably the most exciting thing that happened last week, that's what this post is about! Huzzah.

Friday
     The drive over was relatively uneventful. No wrecks, not too much traffic. Though we did time travel! Jumped ahead a full hour when we crossed the Georgia state line. ;) One of my friends had already checked into the hotel, so I just picked up my room key when we got there and set my stuff down before moseying down to the conference room (ballroom?) we were using for the seminar.
     Things got started a little late, and therefore went a little late, which wasn't too surprising honestly. Things rarely start on time at seminars, in my experience. But it felt like my stomach was trying to eat itself by the time we finished, and my friend felt the same way. I'm sure some people were going out to dinner to socialize and whatnot, but there was no way we were waiting. So we changed clothes and went to the Waffle House right next door. Talked about random stuff and just generally enjoyed ourselves. :)

Saturday
     We got up about 3 hours before training was supposed to start (2.5 hours before they would let us in the main room) and ate an early breakfast in the hotel, then went across the street to take some photos. (At least photography is homework I don't hate bringing out of town with me!) I got one silhouette of her looking out the window, because it looked cool, and a couple panning shots. Hopefully those turn out alright.
     Saturdays usually have the biggest turnout at any seminar, and this one was no different. We had about 80 people show up - a really good turnout. After morning announcements, the women left for the Kunoichi Kai in the room across the hall, and the men stayed in the main room. We had the option of switching from one side to the other as we chose, but only if we train and don't just watch (especially for the men coming over to the women's side). I poked my head in over at the men's side once, but stayed over with the women the rest of the day, since I rarely get a chance to work with so many people close to my size and build and learn from female instructors. It was a really awesome opportunity, and we had excellent instructors. It was primarily centered on defending yourself and others, so it was very practical, too.
     Lunch was provided for us by the hotel. Only interesting thing there was that my friend forced me to go mingle with people I don't know because she took the last spot at a table, meaning I had to go find a spot somewhere else. I can still see her knowing, mischievous smile, that punk. (Joking aside, I did get to know some people I'd never met before.)
     The afternoon session was about the same as the morning, so I'll just fast forward to dinner. (Why does everything fun seem to revolve around food?) We all went out to Taki Steakhouse, a Japanese restaurant with hibachi grill. We had over 80 people show up for dinner, which was more than they'd anticipated. So the big room where everyone was supposed to sit filled up and there were still about 15 of us left, myself and some of my friends included. It took a little more waiting, but eventually they cleared the other hibachi room and we could sit down and order. Pretty much everyone got entrees except me - I ordered sushi. Sushi usually takes significantly longer than the entrees, but that was no problem, because the hibachi chefs always dish out the extras to other people's plates. With my friends on either side of me - one a new acquaintance from lunch - giving me bits of their food, I had PLENTY to eat before my sushi came out. I'm pretty sure a look of "What'll I do??" crossed my face when the sushi came out. Two rolls with 8 pieces each, and I was already almost full. But the sushi was so beautiful!! (I managed to eat one roll. The other went in a to-go box, which I sadly forgot to bring out with me when we had to leave. We mourned for the loss of sushi.)

Sunday
     Sunday is always the toughest day. Everybody's tired, most everyone was out late the night before, and there's still a full day of training that taxes the mind and body. But me and my friend got up early again and went to buy some breakfast food from Publix. Strawberries, cheese and rolls, Naked Juice... It was a fantastic breakfast, made even better by eating it out on the hotel patio. Definitely one of the highlights of my weekend. :)
     The day was truly brain frying, but worth it. I kept notes during the seminar, and a couple things kept coming up that I'll get to explore on my own in greater detail. A couple things that were shown were truly frustrating, which I've learned to take as a good sign; frustration means you're getting challenged and learning something.
     After training, I said goodbye to my friend I'd stayed with and went with some other friends to an awesome bar with great food. I thoroughly enjoyed the conversation, the people, the food, and the new beer  I tried (Rogue Dead Guy). Plus, there was a giant table with a kickball team behind us providing entertainment. One guy got very drunk very fast. That was interesting.

All in all, an excellent weekend, and so far it's been a promising week. :) Looking forward to a self-defense workshop and a birthday party this weekend, plus anything else life decides to throw at me this coming week.